Hey?

TW mention of suicide!

Hello! // Pronouns: He/They (they only in english because I don't fit at all with iel imo)

I apologize in advance for the mistakes I could do during write this, I'm not a native english speaker. (I'm french and I think it's cooler to write in english than in french. I'm so much more comfortable. oui je vis pour les caméras. 

That is the dumbest thing I probably did. Actually I want to write again (I did not write something "real" since february 2021. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. nooo sorry I have the excuse "one of my favourite person jumped under a train and before she died I dedicaced her the last thing I ever wrote" so I guess I couldn't write anymore? Maybe I super afraid that everything I write something someone I loved die. Or in everyday's life, I'm super super afraid that someone else I love kill themself. THAT IS CALLED TRAUMA, JANNETT. Yes you're probably thinking that I should see a therapist.

Yeah, sometimes I do too! but I probably never will or will the day I will found my will to live (to much will? probably not gramatically correct). SO yeah I know, I should not wait for something to save me and save myself. Actually, I found someone (WORST IDEA), I did not found, they were already here for a long time ago and I miss them so much because I let them go 4 years ago. Maybe that's what they needed! but me I needed them. And I still do, after 4 years, I DID NOT MOVE ON!!! Probably they will recognize themself if they found this one day, or they will never found this. Or they will found this, one day. And if they do nothing about it because they do not care? You know sometimes (a lot of time) I think about them coming in my highscool and "save" me from this place I hate so much. Like they come, and, WE RUN AWAY TOGETHER. Like we're always forever and we live happy, with the things we imagined for us years ago. Naaaa the reality is: we're going to stay apart from each other, and never see us in real life.

Whatever they will find this so cringe. Be honest, there is no chance they see it one day. Or if they do they will probably be like "no there is no """chance""" this is about me. Yeah, it fucking is and even if I did not fell in love with you I think you're the person I wanna "stay" with as long as I am alive. I think you the person I want to talk each day and know about your day, your life, even the "silly things". Damn god you're one of the most loveable person on this planet and I'm pretty sure you still think you are not. But you're like so so so MUCH. And if ppl didn't think that of you, it was because I don't know maybe they were BLIND.

Oh gosh it feels so fucking good to say it because I couldn't say it because it was cringey but here no one cares actually.

You knoow I'm writing this when I was an physic exam TOMORROW and I study one page. ONE PAGE. DON'T CARE AFTER ALL I'M ALREADY FAILING MY YEAR!!! It's a no to french school and Parcoursup duh always avoid responsabilites because it's clearly what I do best!!!!!!!!

yah I turned 18 last month. Yeah I'm not mature as "everyone" (adults) expect me to be. bro when I was a kid they were like "you're so mature for your age" ok now I'm turned 18 I decided to be childish. And that, just, sound good to me. I just want to let out the person I did not could be when I was younger because everyone were like that's a great thing, you're so mature and smart, and blahblah blah keep doing, congrats for your good greats. Results: childish, not smart at all, failing all my years since I'm in highschool, always want to do better but fail even more.

Thanks, adults for supporting me and telling me I was mature when you should have not, because that literally put me in the thing of "If I want to make them proud I have to act MORE smarter, MORE harder, and MORE mature".

That is why I don't want to pay for a therapist. I "know" what is wrong with me. And that, it is a part of it. And right now, I don't want to fix it because I don't think we need to fix it. I'm good with who I am :)

After all it attracts me more on "childish things" and that's okay, I just love watching a show with a 14y old is absolutely in love with a boy who clearly have daddy issues and they save the world together but they don't know it's actually them (but they know each other when they aren't saving the world) /j (I really love this show)

I'M SORRY I TALKED TOOOOOOOO MUCH sorry

good evening <3

or bonsoir to my french ppl because oui oui baguette vive les streamers français!

bravo les lesbiennes